I am going to begin this post in a rather cliche manner, with a quote from a song. For those of you who don't listen to Something Corporate, you should. For those who do, you'll love me for quoting this. The song is entitled " I woke up in a car" and no it is not about some weird night where one ends up in a beach in the back of a car or something, but rather a journey of self discovery ( as is true with most songs, but bear with me ). There is a line in the song that I never quite understood until recently and it goes a little something like this:
"I've never been so lost/ I've never felt so much at home."
I know, deep stuff. It sounds generic until you actually have a moment in your life which can only be explained by that particular feeling. This moment happened to me a little over a week ago when I had the unfortunate experience of losing someone close to me, my Grandfather. Of course these types of things are a necessary evil in life. People live and die as the progression of the natural world carries on. However, for me, my world perspective was flipped somewhat upside down. Here was someone who had been a constant in my life. Even though I have lived far away from my Grandparents for most of my life, I was always aware that they were going about their daily life as I was going about mine, just on opposite sides of the planet ( literally my grandparents live in Ireland). There I go again " Grandparents" as if that is a term I can still use. I suppose I no longer have Grandparent(s), but rather my Grandmother is all that remains, at least in the physical sense. Naturally upon hearing news of my Grandfather passing I hopped a plane to fly across the Atlantic with hardly anytime to process my emotions. That sounds strange: A fourteen hour flight, but I couldn't manage to think about what I was feeling? To be honest, I hardly remember the flight, it was as though my body was going through the motions, but my mind was somewhere else- a place where I didn't have to face anything just yet.
The next few days were much of the same. Upon seeing my family, all the natural emotions came out and we cried, laughed and just thought about what he had meant to us throughout our lives. I feel as though much of my family felt his absence differently than I did. They all grew up with him, saw him day in and day out whereas I only saw him for a few weeks each year. Strangely enough this almost made me more lonely. I kept running over the last time I saw him in my head. We were down in Kilkee- a little seaside town on the West of Ireland. He was laying out on a deck chair because it was a sunny day ( a rare experience in Ireland I can tell you). I talked to him for an hour or two and then the visit was over, and I headed back to the United States. I guess part of me felt that it may have been the last time I would see him alive, but that was something I didn't want to think about as I once again departed back to my life in the states.
So after a few days up in Limerick ( the city where I, and most of my family are from) we headed down to our own house in Kilkee. And this is where the song comes in. I took a walk- along the seaside and up over the cliffs just thinking about all that happened over the past few days. I couldn't hide the emotion anymore, not being in the place that he had loved so much and where I had shared so many memories with him. The strangest sensations came over me. I was so confused and upset yet I was happy. I sat looking out to the Atlantic thinking about my Grandad as well as contemplating my own mortality and it struck me: I was completely lost, but I also felt completely home. I knew as I stood there that what I was looking at is a part of me and always will be. Although it may just be a physical place on a map to most people- to me it takes up a huge place in my heart. It is where I spent most of my childhood and where I still return to this day to find balance and comfort.
It has now been about two weeks since my Grandfather passed away and life is beginning to return to normal as is inevitable with these types of situations. However, I find that sometimes, when I just pause to think, I am transported back to that town where I have so many fond memories of my Grandad. These thoughts and memories allow me to be reminded that it is possible to feel completely lost while still having a place that feels like home.
